WOW! Where has seven years gone?? I can't believe that in the middle of the night 7 years ago I became a Mom. I learned early that being a mother brings your greatest joys that you can feel, but can also bring you the biggest heartbreaks too. I still do miss my angel, but he is in a place where he was needed. I mean who would want to be around all these hormonal sisters of his?!? Benjamin knew what he was doing.
My post today is going to be my long story of Ben from last year. I hope that everyone today will take time and tell their children how much you love them and give them a big hug for me.
This year I am also going to work on some of the memories that I have after Ben died. All those stories from when we picked out his coffin, the funeral home crazy story, the memorial service and more. I have been reflecting on them a lot this week and some are sad, but others are really funny.
I am so thankful that Benjamin chose me to be his mother. I am not sure why he only had to be here for a few short hours, but I can't wait until later to ask him that very question. I know he will always be my son and I will be his mother. Families are Forever and he makes me want to be a better mother!
I LOVE YOU My Son, Benjamin Alexander.
Six years ago today my life changed forever. My little boy Benjamin Alexander was born on September 20th at 5 minutes to midnight and his life was but a short 20 hours. My little boy forever changed my life with the few precious hours that we had with him here on earth. He made me a Mom and understand what love is all about. I am so greatful for the understanding that I have and know to be true: That I WILL see my son again and that Families are forever. That was the only two things that got me through this life changing experience.
Benjamin's pregnancy was awesome. Yes I was sick at the start, but overall it was great. Steve and I were happy first time parents and were looking forward to having our little boy. Looking back there were so many things that prepared us both for not having our baby with us too long on this earth. We never did the nesting thing (cribs, clothes, diapers) all those 'normal' things that parents do to get ready. Although I think I have made it up with the girls. :-)
My story really started yesterday but I didn't have time to write. My appointment was in the afternoon and I went by myself. I was a little crampy that whole day but nothing that wasn't too bad. So I go and find out that I had lost 5 pounds and my BP was still good. I get checked again because the week before I had progressed to a 3 and this week I find myself at a 5!! Hello half way there and my doctor is gonna send me home. This really is okay with me because I still need to take a shower and shave my legs of course.
I remember walking out to the car and calling Steve to tell him the news. The girls at work with him kick him out of work and tell him to go home, but I don't want him home yet. I don't need him yet, so he goes back to work to await my call to come home. I remember calling my mom, but I got my dad instead and telling him the news. I remember the shock in his voice when I told him how far along I was already.
I go home to our little apartment to take my shower and shave my legs. I'm still not in much pain but I am getting more contractions. I think it was about 5 when I told Steve to come home from work. Our apartment was so nice because I could pace around in circles in the apartment. I never really wanted to go to the hospital but after me pacing around the apartment for a few hours, Steve got a little impatient and called my doctor himself. She said that it was time to come in, so he had to convince me that it was time to go and not the other way around. Looking back I think that I wanted a few more minutes with my baby alone and not at the hospital. Just the calm of home with him still inside alive and warm.
So we get to the hospital after a ride that I was so glad was over. Contrax just seem worse when you are sitting in a car and have no control as to how fast it moves. We do get there though and I sure don't seem like a woman in labor. I get all checked in and answer all of those questions again. I decided to get my epidural since now I am a 7 almost 8 only because they are like you can't get it later. So I sacrifice my back for the first time. I can say it was nice, but I honestly think I was given a 'heavenly' one already.
So it's about 10 pm by now and all the parents are there and waiting in the waiting room. It's the first grandchild on both sides, so everyone is biting at the bit for this baby of mine to get here. I don't remember when I needed to start pushing because I never got that feeling like with the other girls, but there we go. I am so numb I can't feel a thing. My Hubby, mom and the nurse are in there helping me push. It was a fun hour and a half of pushing. My mom called me Cody once. "Push Cody, Push!" Needless to say that push didn't make much progress. The nurse wouldn't stop saying "You go girl!" Ben was playing a yo-yo because every time I made some progress he would go back up. Can I blame him?? Heck no.
Well after about 90 minutes worth of pushing (11:55 pm)I am so proud to meet my little Benjamin. Such a perfect baby strait from the Lord himself. He never really cried but when they put him on my chest he got so quiet and said so much with that one look between us. It was one of thank you Mom for getting me here and I love you so much. My brief moment was over as they took him to the warmer to get him cleaned off and that's where my world changed forever.
Benjamin never started to cry or turn that beautiful pink that babies do. He looked like a limp rag doll as the nurse was still trying to get him to cry. He still got weighed and the first pictures taken all while he was still turning purple. About 20 minutes after Ben is born, my mom leaves the room. She comes right back with my dad. He walks to the warmer and gives my mom this look. In one split second I know that something is wrong. I remember thinking in that instant that "Lord I will give my life for my son." My Dad starts yelling at the nurse for an oxygen tube and for her to call the NICU. I honestly believe that Ben would have died in my room if not for my dad.
A short 25 minutes after Ben was born he was run to the NICU by his grandpa.
Ben was taken to the NICU at 12:25 am. Only 25 minutes after he was born into this world. Time seemed to slow down for me once my baby was gone. I so wanted to cry and ask why and spend time alone with my husband, but the stupid nurse that kept saying "You go girl" would not leave. The minutes just passed so slow and no one had heard anything as they went by. We told our parents to go home after a little while because we both had the feeling that the next morning and day would be long. They needed their rest even though us parents would not be getting any sleep that night.
I think it was around 4 am when we finally heard something. I was given a crash course on the heart. I knew that I should have taken anatomy in high school or college. It was the whole course in a matter of a few minutes of how a newborn's heart should be and what was wrong with my baby. In lame mans terms, Benjamin's heart could get blood into it but could not get it back out to his little body. With him being intabated at this point we were buying time. We were told that the doctor at UAB that would normally do the procedure was on vacation and the other doctor on-call did not feel comfortable doing the procedure that would save his life. We were left with the decision of where to send our son. They gave us 3 choices in the early hours of Sept. 21st. We could send him to Atlanta, Nashville, or up to Boston. (If I knew what we do now, Ben and both of us would have been on a flight to Philadelphia for the doctor who created the procedure that Ben needed.) We chose Atlanta only because it was the closest choice. Then the wheels started turning to get our baby to Atlanta.
Now we all have to take a moment and remember what life was like after September 11th. The whole country was in a state of shock and mourning. There were no flights or anyone allowed in the air. It took countless phone calls and okays from hospitals, airports, and the FAA to have my son on a private life flight jet from Birmingham to Atlanta. I am so greatful for all those people who allowed my son to get the best shot for life.
By this time we had called our Bishop to tell him the news. He quickly came with the first counselor up to the hospital to see us and to see Ben. We talked for a few minutes and then went to the NICU to say good-bye to Benjamin. He was getting ready for his flight to save his life. I remember looking at this little baby who was hooked up to all those tubes and feeling so much love for "MY Little Man." Steve knew that he couldn't get through a blessing for Ben, so our Bishop gave him one. I don't remember what was said because I could not hear with all the machines. Before I knew it they were transporting Ben out of the NICU to a waiting ambulance. I so did not want him to go, but that's what we had to do as parents. I so wanted to go and was screaming inside to myself that he should not be going alone. He needs his Mom to be there with him!!!
So by 5 am my baby was gone. In the care of all the transport teams that would take him to Sibley Heart Center in Atlanta.
I don't remember if we had gotten any sleep before we got the call that Benjamin had made it to Atlanta or not. The time has blurred together and the details are fuzzy. I guess my mind went into protection mode by this time.
It seemed like a few minutes before the doctors called me to update me on Ben in Atlanta. The phone call started out like this: "Mrs. Smith you have a very sick little boy." Right then and there I knew that my little boy would not be with us very long. As the doctor updated me on his status we learned that on the life flight Ben had gone into liver and kidney failure which made him unable to have the procedure. The doctor explained that if we wanted they could try to do it but he would most likely die on the table or we could have him come home to us to die with us back in Birmingham. The most that I could get out was that he needed to talk to my husband and we decided that we needed a few minutes.
All during this we could not find our parents anywhere. Half had taken off to Atlanta and some had come to see us back in Birmingham. I do remember that when I handed Steve the phone that I needed to go to the bathroom, so there I was with no parents, a baby that was going to die all while I was sitting on the pot!!! My Mom and Garrett made it to the hospital while I was still in there crying so hard. What a decision to make for your first child.
I think the decision was made rather easy to just bring him home. I wanted to see my baby again and I was not going to let him leave this world without being with his Mom and Dad. I think it was my Mom who talked to the doctor when he called back and told him that we needed to make arrangements for Benjamin to get home ASAP.
This was the start of what seemed like a forever wait for all of us. The doctor said that they would get a life flight for him and call us back when he was in the air. Great he should be home in just under two hours. We finally got a hold of our parents that had gone to Atlanta to be with Ben. All of them were at the door of the hospital or turning into the hospital when we told them to get back because you would probably beat them bring Benjamin home. Little did we know that in two hours that Benjamin would still be there in Atlanta.
Why?? Because the FAA did not consider Benjamin a life flight caniadate now since he was just coming home to his family. So now we were on to plan B. Could we get him on a Life Fight Helicoptor to bring him home?? Two more hours passed and still he was there in Atlanta all by himself. All because of September 11th my baby could not get home.
Now during all of this time I was not on Labor and Delivery any more. Where did they decide that I needed to go?? Mother Baby of course. Who the cruel heart was to put me there I will never know, but it was not a fun time in that room of mine. At the hospital in Birmingham they would put these huge ribbons and bows on the doors to all the rooms for the Mom's. Needless to say mine didn't ever get one and that broke my heart. Such a happy floor and here I was in the middle of a whole life changing event. I remember waiting in that room with all of our family around and it got really quiet. No one really had anything to say and I heard a baby cry from the room next to me. I thought that I was going to loose it. Thank goodness for a loving father who promptly walked to the nurses station and raised some Hell to get me off of the floor. I'm not sure what was said out there, but all I know was that in the next few minutes I was sitting in a wheel chair and getting moved off of the floor. My Mom whispered in my ear "Sweet heart just close your eyes and put your head down. It will all be over in a minute." It was the fastest ride I have ever taken in a wheel chair. I honestly think that my nurse ran me off of the floor. Literally.
It was in the next hour or so that I when I was in my new room, that we found out that the hospital in Atlanta was going to try it's last effort to get Benjamin home. We were going to send him home on an ambulance. He would receive a full police escort from Atlanta to the Georgia state line and then Alabama Highway Patrol would take him from there into Birmingham. They would go as fast as they could which was about 80 mph and pray that his little body could take the stress of the drive. All that I prayed for during those hours that it would take him to drive home was that he would make it to see us again. And so the journey started around 4 pm on September 21st, 2001. My baby was coming home to his mom and dad.
I last left off with us waiting for Benjamin to come back home. Those few hours were so long. We got a call that he had left Georgia and was into Alabama. I think they were around the Heflin exit (it's the first big exit once you get back into Alabama on I-20). We then were told that they would call when they were twenty minutes out from the hospital. During that time, I got so nervous and got butterflies in my stomach. Why I'm not sure. Probably because I really wanted to see my son but at the same time I knew that it would be good-bye for a season. The minutes seemed to go even slower while we all waited for that phone call. I think that I jumped when the phone rang telling us that he would be home in twenty short minutes. I was glad to have something to do because by this point everyone was just sitting around with nothing to say. What do you say when your child is going to die and everyone knows it??
We all got our stuff together and walked down to the NICU. It's funny the little things that I remember during this time. Like while we were walking down there the hospital had colored lines on the floor (i guess so people don't get lost to different departments) and the one to NICU was green. Steve's little brother Paul says "Man I feel like we are walking the Green Mile." I think that movie had come out a little before everything happened. So I had a little laugh on my walk to the NICU. Another thing that I remember is right before we got to the NICU is looking outside. The day was so pretty. The sun was about to set, so there were beautiful colors in the sky. Yellows, oranges, and even a little bit of pink mixed with the blue sky. It was beautiful and my heart took a picture. As the nurse escorted us to the waiting room for the NICU, I noticed on the door that the NICU was closed to all visitor's. It never clicked for me that it was closed because of my baby boy.
Well we get to the waiting room and that's where the pictures started. I remember my mom taking pictures and for us to Smile. We tried our best and if you have seen the scrapbook you know what I mean. Then we got to leave the rest of our family behind and Steve and I were called into the NICU to see our son. They wanted us to come in while he was still in his transport incubator because they said he might crash while they were moving him to his warmer and wanted us to be there. All the transport people were doing their stuff and we got to go say hi to our baby. One of the guys opened his incubator and told us that we could talk to him. My baby made it and he was home!!! He looked so peaceful while he was laying there. I think that it was Steve who said "Hi Ben" and this little boy of mine did something that they told us he would not do. He turned his head and opened his eyes!! He had the darkest brown eyes with a look of "Oh there you are. I am in so much pain can't you help?" My heart broke right then and there. That was the last time that he would open his eyes. He knew that he had made it home to Mom and Dad.
Okay.....part 5. Here we go. This is probably going to be the hardest installment for me to write about. I told a good friend that I am probably just going to sum it all up in a few paragraphs. Not because I don't want to write it all out for the world to see, but because the last few minutes with my baby are of a very scared time for me. I do not tell many people of my last few minutes and I'm not going to yet anyway. If I know you well enough, you will hear the story first hand from me. Now with that disclaimer, I will get to part 5. Our two very short hours with our baby Benjamin.
Baby Ben was my hero! He made a journey on this earth all by himself to Atlanta and back home to Birmingham. He was so strong for Steve and I and clung to life to see us again. I think it was easier for him to pass through to the other side knowing that he had come home to Mom and Dad.
The transport team had done their job on getting him home to us and now it was time for the tricky part of getting him from the incubator to the warmer without him crashing on us again. All went well and he was very stable. I would love a warm bed too!! Who doesn't?!?!? We as parents had a few minutes with him before we had our family come in two at a time to see him. I honestly don't remember who came in first or what order that everyone got visiting time. Now a lot of you don't know that my little brother has a brain tumor (that's in remission right now) and it was a few years after he found out. Garrett was so sweet with my baby. The understanding of him and Ben was something that I will never forget. That little moment in time of one who was so close to passing and the other who stood looking at the door of anytime we could get bad news again. He was so sweet as he held my baby's hand and cried.
While everyone was into visit, we were getting ready to take Ben off of all his machines that had kept him alive for us. By this time everyone had had a chance to come and say hi and finally it was my turn to hold my baby. Now I had not been able to hold him but for that brief moment right after he was born and it was time for me. He was so little and seemed at peace in my arms. Finally after 19 hours of being alive I got to hold my baby boy!!! I knew that time would not be long before we had to say good-bye, so very unwillingly I let his Daddy hold him for the first time. Poor Steve was a true first time Dad and wasn't really sure how to hold him. What new Dad really knows how to hold a newborn??
The hardest part of that was looking at my husband with all of the promises of a first born boy melt away for a time. No baseball games, Scouts, first game of catch, camping, or any of those things that Dad's do with their sons. It would be on hold for my husband and that was so hard to see. Father's are not supposed to cry, but mine did and my heart still hurts when I remember.
I know that all of our parents got the chance to hold Benjamin for a few minutes and then Steve got him for another few minutes and then it was back to me, the Mom. A few brief moments in time would be mine to hold him and say good-bye. By this time we had given him some medicine to help calm him down and not feel any pain. My Mom bless her heart gave me some good advice. To count his little toes and fingers just to make sure that I knew that he was so perfect. To take my time and look him up and down and let my heart take a picture. A memory that would last a life time until I saw him again.
My son Benjamin left this mortal world around 8 pm on Friday, September 21, 2001 in my arms. I felt my heart break in half knowing that he was here for so brief a moment and I still miss him today. But each day I try to make him smile in the things that I do in my life. I KNOW that I WILL see my son again and that we ARE an eternal family. Yes, time does heal some of the hurt and pain, but the lives his story has touched is wonderful. He taught me that being a Mother is the most important job in the world and that the most important thing in the whole world is LOVE. Christ gave his life for us because of love. After this experience, I could feel a little of what Christ's mother Mary felt when her son gave his life for each of us. I would not go back and change what I have been through for anything. I have learned so much and continue to learn from this experience. Please do not feel sad or sorry for my loss, but rejoice with me in knowing that I will see him again and the sorrow and tears will be replaced with joy and happiness when I see my baby Benjamin again.
Thanks for bearing with me for a five part story and cleaning out another box of kleenex tissues. Give your kids a Hug and tell them that you love them. That's all I ask.
Alicia, Benjamin's Mom
The thing that caught Steve and I off guard in Spanish Fork is that they put the statue near baby land. There were 4 babies that all died within 3 months of Ben in 2001. All lived for no more than 3 days in the fall of 2001. I guess that there were lots called to heaven early with Ben. In all it was a good visit and it is a very good substitute for now.
